I always had an idea of what my life would be like. Top Journalist, girl boss and having my life together. I can tell you now I am not either of them. None.
I thought by now I’d have some sort of idea where my life would be taking me and I don’t. I’ve always been one of the youngest in my year, and I think that has had me wanting to rush to do things, everyone was learning to drive and passing their test before I was even 17, I think I always felt a tiny bit left out.
When I finished University I dived straight into a well respected job. Moved back home away from my boyfriend of 3 years and my life just fell apart. This is probably the first time I’ve properly spoken about it and boy it feels so good.
My job just wasn’t for me. I ended up working for a news agency where the pressure to get stories in the national papers was immense. I know, Journalists should be able to work well under pressure, and trust me I’ve been there. But this was just something I could not cope with. And I haven’t admitted that until now. My relationship broke down, and so did my mental health, with me constantly stressed and worried about my day at work, to the point where I didn’t sleep. You could barely recognise me at one point. I felt hopeless, and that was just something that I carried with me for so long. I started my job in April and finally had the nerve to quit in July. I felt like a failure, so many people had told me I couldn’t do it and they were right. I must of wallowed over that process for a very long time. I went back to my old job, as a lifeguard, which I always loved, and had to explain to everyone why I was back.
I started to think that the issue was me, which isn’t the best way to think. My dad also left his job after being made redundant, so he ended up with a rocky year of three jobs, my mum also had three jobs and I had about five.
It was a dark period to say the least, but I did eventually get through it. Although I had time off being a Journalist, I never gave up my title. Always writing and looking for stories, and next thing I know I get a job that I actually enjoy. I feel so grateful to get up and go to work and not sit in the car for half an hour having a panic attack because I’m scared of what is going to come.
It’s not only until now that I have finally realised that I need to give myself a break. I’m so hard on myself all the time, putting immense pressure on myself that actually I need to stop. I think that self care is something that everyone should indulge in now and again, and is something that needs to be celebrated when we do eventually give ourselves a break. I wasn’t sure whether or not I would post this, and it shows a vulnerable side to me, but actually, I’ve now realised, that actually that is my strongest side and it should be celebrated.